short and simple

to you who sees a girl and the first thing that comes to your mind is what might she look like naked. to you who sees a guy and thinks, hm i wonder if he has a girl because i will be all over that tonight. to the ones who think that sex is the ticket to a good relationship and to those who feel that giving yourself to someone so quickly precedes true feelings

you have been deprived of love

you have been deprived of intimacy between two lovers. pff you thought you liked sex before.. you call yourself good in bed, a fein.. but have you ever loved someone?? and im not referring to putting it down all night on lil shawty up in the 8th floor, im talking about admiring every inch of that persons body appreciating that what God has put before you indulging in the most natural liberating act that two beings could ever engage in with one another. have you ever felt so vulnerable by another being you have no choice but you confine into their ever need, want, and desire? no you haven't felt that before

you have been deprived of love

because you are too blinded by the physical appearance of things the get in and get out method is what you demonstrate. i bet you can give me a list of girls youve been with, maybe some dimes that could get you that extra 5 minutes of discussion with you and your boys but can you tell me out of those girls how man you truely cared about? none? deprivation! your dehydrated and you don't even know it, you need a big cup of love to quench your thirst because

you have been deprived of love

but watch one day when you are done running the block, it will get old. a cycle of emotionless sex and short term relationships will come to and end. you will find someone before you know it your are one hundred percent engulfed in this individual and when you finally do make love, your outlook on what you thought was pleasure will turned upside down. to be speechless and in an immobile state of euphoria is something that can only be experienced by deep connection and exchange of true passion. it will be that feeling when your at the peak of your roll the top of your high, a moment of clarity and nirvana. yes im talking about that kind of love. but one day, because im sure as your finishing up this blog, your also multitasking doing your make up for jason or tim to slide through.. go ahead who am i to judge anyone, right? but just know that these one night stands and lowkey creep nights will run dry. and your cup of love is waiting for you to drink, but for now

you have been deprived of love

what's your addiction?

Why everything that's supposed to bad make me feel so good?
Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would
Man I tried to stop man I tried the best I could
But (You make me smile)

What's your addiction? Is it money? Is it girls? Is it weed?
I've been afflicted by not one, not two, but all three
She's got the same thing, about me, but more, about us
She's coming over, so I guess, that means, I'm on drugs
Just let me peek now, I mean damn, I'm so curious
She's got a lover, so the lies, and the lust, is a rush
Time's of the essence, I need, you to be, spontaneous
Roll up the doge, henny and c-c-c-cola, then I'm co coming over
Cuz its ne-never over


Why everything that's supposed to bad make me feel so good
Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would
Man I tried to stop man I tried the best I could
But (You make me smile)

I see the emotion in your eyes, that you, try not to show
We get the closest when you high, or you drunk, or you blow
So I pour the potion, so we could both get high, as we could go
Then I'll get the lotion, and do something to me, when your thighs is exposed
There's no turning back now, I mean I don't mean to impose
Not now but right now, I need you to undress, and then pose
I'm into that now, catch a vibe, when the doors, get closed
Roll up the doge, henny and c-c-c-cola, and I keep co coming over
Cuz its ne-never over


Why everything that's supposed to bad make me feel so good
Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would
Man I tried to stop man I tried the best I could
But... (You Make Me Smile)

(You make me smile with my heart)

Why everything that's supposed to bad make me feel so good
Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would
Man I tried to stop man I tried the best I could
But... (You make me smile, With my heart)

I just wanted to ask you
Just wanted to um
Let how would I put this uhh
Let's say all your friends
Remember the one
You said if you ever she would be the one
Ok, Ok, Ok (You make me smile with my heart)
I was thinking, hypothetically
I mean don't take this seriously
Don't take me: I mean just
Uhh not credibly
I'm feeling incredibly
I mean let it be
Just let it be
I mean you, her and me (You make me smile with my heart)
I mean you, her and me
Maybe, Baby, Baby
You know I was just kidding
Unless you gon' do it

(You make me smile...)\

amazing song: addiction -Kanye West from Late Registration (via @LxXxm)

life list

after many failed attempts of diets quitting habits and preventing myself from doing what is fun to me. i have generated a life list. this list will be general rules i will do my best to achieve everyday and week in working towards a better life. im only 19 talkin like a 48 year old, why not start early right?

1) i will not go to bed mad angry sad or any other negative vibes. im convinced that it contributes to crazy dreams, and im not down with all that.
2) wake up with a smile and remember that it is another day of life i must embrace it and appreciate what i have
3)accept me for ME there have been so many internal battles of who i am what others see me as who i should be but i have had a bit of clarity and see that IM not changing anytime ever for anyone but me. i must love it, love me; mind body and soul. like my boy randall says 'love it or leave it'
4) no more fast food. you'd think 4 years back super size me would turn me to healthier eating but it's that time to just cut it out as a whole as hard as this will be i am really gonna try to fulfill this commitment
5) school---> your cool if your in school. from now on it's school then play ive been sticking to this pretty well this semester but i just have to make it official.
6) save money. i have a terrible habit of spending my money before i even get it. PAY OFF CREDIT CARD and this ridiculous phone bill. put some money aside for those 'whenever' moments
7) no guys. none zip nada im usually nice when i guy tries to talk to me but im letting it be known that shit is not flyin anymore. when it comes to a love life right now IM GOOD on that. a distraction isn't what i need want nor desire
8) me time. im going to find designated times of the week when i can just kick back and chill with me and music! lay out by the pool or something. There will be times when i just ghost doing some relfecting, i believe it's healthy for all
9) src- i bought a pass in the beginning of the semester to go to all these classes and have yet to step foot into a class. SO ello cycling and treadmills
10) no bitchassness in anyway shape or form will be demonstrated on my side. whether it be school work a situation i don't care. bitchassness never did anyone good.

and then she speaks

Paper and pen in hits.. SPLOTCH saying everything i never could would or will speak, a chamber of thoughts unlocked and unleashed with each stroke. so many can relate to this style of expression but the connection between me and this pen is liberating. many can do it much better than i, but this is my therapy. maybe one day when im gone someone will have their own story or or epic memoir of what i was or who i am only with many inaccurate dates names and places. not even the ones who knew me best will be able to speak on my behalf correctly. so shall i start from the beginning or work my way backwards from the present? Answer: whatever comes to my mind is what ill share for i have always been simply "random". Funny i use the word simply because i often feel im the farthest thing from that. i wish it was easy as one two three but ive come tot he conclusion it's alot more like trigonometry. it's the kind of person you see and the think after leaving how that hell did that happen as you walk away trying to come up with ridiculous answers that will make you feel a little bit better about yourself when you go to bed. It's all good though i ask myself the same question, quite often actually how did this happen? If only i had an answer hell i'll take an idea then i might be a little closer to simple. unfortunately though that's not the case, so i guess 'complex and random' is the pretentious title i take

untitled

when i got home for work today, i sat down with my p (my chi sister/roommate/D.A.B) and tried to figure out what i should blog about. we came up with a good 5 solid juicy topics, then i got to thinking that blogging really shouldn't be about a certain subject that you have to think long and hard about it should naturally flow from you to the computer screen. HENCE --->random blogs about random nothings<---

1) fine dining: just thinking about the definition makes me cringe. so what comes to your mind? fancy table cloths, $75 lobster, $100-$1000 bottles of wine, snooty rich pricks, and a beautiful atmosphere just to pick at the surface right? well im here to tell you that that is EXACTLY what it is like but with a little more money and perfume. this new job which i will not mention the name is basically the shit, i just stand there, smile, and show people to their tables. but the things i hear witness and do are sometimes a little over the top. maybe its just the humanitarian in me, but it's disgusting to see all this money go towards one night one meal for two whole freaking people when there are FAMILIES not even an area code away going to sleep with empty stomachs and living in or below the poverty line. and to see the food not even be eating makes me want to drop kick them in the knee caps.

2) deceiving apartments: when ana and i first saw this complex we fell in love, i mean the brochure was the bees knees. you know stuff like "24 hour fitness, on call security, great parking spots" ummm lie lie and LIE. Ive never seen the gates close here still after 7 months have to park in the back and the 'gym' is more like a treadmill and 10 lb weights. and talk about shady neighbors i mean is there any type of background check to live here? god knows what goes on above me, along with the strange flower loving couple below me. the security guy looks like i could wreck shop on him.. with my left hand along with he biiiaaatches in the front office. this place is a joke for 720 a month both of us expected a weeeee bit more. but hey they got us with he brochure... watch out for deceiving apartments or you'll get stuck in a 12 mo lease with and poorly insulated rooms that will run your srp to at least 120

3) the term i-miss-you: turns out that those words are just as meaningful as 'would you like frys with that.??' it's like played out term of endearment. i feel like you can say it to anyone that you haven't seen in a long time to make them feel special but when you really sit down and even half way think about it you realize that you don't miss them at all ....you just didn't have anything to say to them because you hadn't seen them in a long time. everyone says i miss you just like i love you. girls who've known each other for a whole 3 days will make best friends and be like ooomg i freaking love her... bitch no you don't! you don't even know her last name! i think i thought of this topic because i got a message on facebook today that said i miss you... now i know that this person not only has my number to text me but they have minutes on their phone to call me if they wanted to, along with knowing where i live..... now if this person REALLY missed me i think that they would make a little more effort than a lousy ass facebook message and the funny thing is, is that the message read "IMY"... you don't even fully miss me!! you abbreviated miss me, see that kind of shit doesn't even deserve a reply especially when you don't miss the person back yadigg???


my rants and raves are done for the night, i actually have something to do in the morning. oh bt dub it's spring break. whooo hoo new blog tomorrow goodnight loves!

ex's and oh's

Thursday March 11, 2010

This morning everything changed in my world, well more like came to a halt. its was that kind of feelings when you recap your entire life and all of it's major events in the matter or 8 seconds. that feeling of an empty stomach and thoughtless mind state. it was like you had the entire day/week planned out perfectly and all of a sudden you don't even know if you can get out of bed. it's one of those 'just when you thought things were okay' kind of situations.

but.. mamma didn't raise no bitch. so what am i gonna do??? get my ass out of bed get dressed and OWN these two mid terms get some starbucks and throw a smile on.. afterward is up for discussion i might just go hide in a hole the entire spring break lol
so what on earth happened that it has caused me such despair????
pff im not telling!



ex's and oh's =) have a fantastic spring break!!!

P.Diddy Tip

Woke up this morning feeling like a fuggin machine. It's monday, the day after sunday and the day before tuesday. MID TERMS THIS WEEK... one two three to be exact. school is rocking my world this semester and im diggin it! just one more week till spring break which i still don't have anything planned for. if things go accordingly im hittin cali with my sisters Danielle and Diana, lambda trouble in the big city =). Today is very special day! It's marcus hall's bday his 21st! Birthday Wishes to him. Updates: my sister (real sister) moves up here in the fall we found a place to live whoo hoo. pray for me, our personalities often clash but i feel like even that is an understatement. but im excited to close to her her fist year out of the house while she is getting used to semi adult hood. work---> the job in Scottsdale is pretty dope, ive never really gotten paid for not doing anything but there i really do... nothing. Just stand there smile and dress up which is pretty cool i get HELLA bored and i want to sucker punch some of the clientele when they get too live. People with money are something else but ill save that for another blog. but for now i have to get back to study guides power points and discussion boards have a beautiful and productive monday !! =)

ex's and oh's

Don't be a Sucker

i really don't want to be that blogger who is always bashing a man or talking up big shit to make myself feel better, i actually don't even want to blog about anything related to the male species anymore BUT for the sake of some of my readers in need, this is for you =) though this might not be exactly what you were looking for, i hope you can find some peace and harmony within it

Just to give you a blunt idea of where i stand in my life right now. My boyfriend who i was totally goo goo ga ga over recently left me for his ex.. got married and ish whole 9 yards all in the matter of like a month, maybe? so i would say that it is safe to say i am in no state to be that happy go lucky girl. Thankfully, In the past couple weeks i have had to opportunity to really reflect and accept and move the fuck on with things


I strongly urge everyone to do the same because you are only digging yourself a bigger and deeper emotionally filled hole that you are already in. yeah yeah easier said than done right? FACT: shit happens and we all go through it heartbreaks and douche bags are inevitable but the way we deal/move on from these kinds of things are up to US! favorite quote ive heard through everything is "Is he crying over you???.... no?? so why should you?"

Who really wants to be with a little ass kid that doesn't know what they are doing with their lives let alone in a relationship with you? No girls wants to be the one taking care of her man super lowkey and spending half their time justifying their "man's" misfortunes to everyone... there is a name for girls like us, coined by my friend lexx we are called FIXERS. We are the girls who will ride and die for the lowest of the lows because our hearts have grown so fond of these guys their 'love' out weighs anything and everything. Girls like us get so wrapped up in helping and trying to fix their problems that through time we get dragged right down with them. We care too much that's what it is. the dummys who put up with so much for so little in exchange. i used to talk so badly about that kind of girl, until i fell in the trap!!! aayyye don't talk shit unless you've done cause saying and doing are two completely different things, believe that. I say fuck you to the guys do nothing with their lives and take full advantage to the girl giving her all while you sit back participate half assed. It took two really shitty relationships for me to figure this one out but i thing i finally got the big picture. writing this im trying to find the fine line between a sucker for love and a flat out sucker. i believe that the difference between the two understand the when they are helping and when they are being used along with the ability to walk away from the situation when those lines are crossed and not look back. Love is blind, we all know this but when you can wake up one morning and say "im off that" your headed in the right direction. A sucker is one who knows they are in a shitty relationships and allows it to happen. When a steady pattern of shadiness persists and you do nothing about it. fill in the blanks however you like the, you get the idea.


ok so there is like 7 billion people in this world and 305 million in the US alone.. i strongly believe in the saying there is more fish in the sea..BIG ASS SEA WITH LOTS-O-FISH. with that, why would you let anyone, especially a guy get you all down and out, having you isolated in crib weekends at a time, sitting in you room all night listening to sappy love songs stuffing your face with hot cheetos crying (that's real life son). lets face it if he left you.. he did it for a reason baby girl and that's truth. And it might not because he moved on to better he probably just moved on to dumber. There's that and it could be because he doesn't have the mental capacity to love and understand it all, not saying woman are but were trying...right? And if he lied, it's probably because he is too coward to speak the truth and know you will leave him if you find out whats real... and if he cheated (God forbid) its not because you weren't giving him what he needed, he is proving to you that he is in no way physically or emotionally apt for a monogamous relationship which by the way is NOT what anyone (male or female) needs in their life DISCLAIMER: this does not apply to all men because there are definitely crazy beezys who need to be left and bring these kinds of disasters on themselves. but whatever the reason maybe, he is no longer there and that is the first thing you gotta accept

Moral of the story: Your better than ALL that..stay up, look forward, and move on