a year and then some

So it's been just a little over a year since I started this thing. I was looking back at all my post remembering all the things that sparked me to write what I did. So what have I learned in one year??

1) Don't fall in love with someone you just met, that's for damn sure...it's all a trick
2) Don't let the petty things get in the way.. like Sydney not putting away the dishes or someone pissing you off cause they didn't show up on time..it won't matter 10 years from now.
3) Bitches will remain bitches no matter how many years pass. Simply said
4) My family will ALWAYS be there - people always say that kind of shit. but when you actually experience it, it gives the phrase a whole new meaning and appreciation
5) I cannot do everything on my own (as much as I'd like to think that I can)
6) Sister are forever, trials and tribulations are inevitable, and our love is unconditional
7) The grass truly is greener on the other side... it just takes awhile to get there
8) THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE "RIGHT" THING I mean basic right and wrongs of life, yes but no right way to live or no right way to act. Everyone is different. This is probably the most important thing I've learned. I am no one to put another person down for what they do or say because they could turn around and do the exact thing.. so who's right? My point exactly!
9) This job is only temporary- learn from my co-workers and clientele about the kind of person I do and DON'T want to be.
10) Life?????? It goes on. (Pops always told me this)

First Impression

I remember the first time I ever saw you. The exact thing you were wearing, ever word we exchanged. You were sitting on the couch timid and focused on your call of duty. I did notice thought that I sparked your interest... I looked at you as if I knew you from somewhere. Wait, I did. You were that random guy that started following me on twitter, yes twitter. I recognized your face and asked if you were "blah blah" you responded yes, smiled and embarrassed. I thought it was a little weird that I had just met you but you caught my attention and made me curious. Who is this guy in the ASU sweatshirt with the vans and glasses. Your quietness intrigued me to know more. Who are you? WELL, like me and Alysha always said "momma raised us to be persistent" and persistent I was. Zai knew what he was doing that night he left us to watch Netflix while he went to a friend's dinner "real quick" almost funny now that I think about it. We sat awkwardly on separate couches small talking about what we liked how ridiculous the movie was. WE were both in our own world due to previous activities but we enjoyed every second on that awkward couch. The six words followed a great conversation were "I think we should make out" WHY would I comply to this kind of request??? Because in a way it was funny honest blunt and slightly in my realms of interest. And that was the beginning of the end. The following months were just a respeat of that day except it got better each morning, night, meal, adventure, conversation that followed.


FRAUD - and I thought I was crazy. Well, I am but nothing in the ball park of you. I look back now and think what did I get myself into. The situation itself was like playing with fire. No time or need to get into details. I realize I make you seem like a monster when I talk about you. You aren't though. But there is really no way that 'we' could ever be a 'we' in any shape or form. I wish I could look past things but they will always be there and no one deserves that kind of shit. How many more times must I write or mention you before you disapear from my memory? There aren't feelings anymore but lingering thoughts that won't leave my alone, why? Everyone goes through this kind of shit right? They have to there are a gazillion people in this world. Someone is bound to relate.

So dear the idea of you in general...please leave my mind and thoughts alone. They don't want you.

Easy Like Sunday Morning

I can't wait to be where I belong
It's not here I'm rather- misplaced
Got my roadmap in hand and destination in sight
Left my heart somewhere awhile back
So now I have to get whats mine
I can't wait to be where I belong

im sorry

A phrase that hardly has any meaning anymore to anyone but the only words i can say is, im sorry

I apologize, maybe?

Saying it in a different way might make it better to hear but still boils down to the meaningless "im sorry"

heaven at night

its only 538 and it's dark, in my room at least
but somehow nightfall has brought a certain light to my day
despite this pounding headache and fluctuating sickness
I can finally see that everything is gonna be okay

HOVA

"Time don't go back it goes forward"
ok jay-z that's true but im enjoying time traveling

Planet H

I live in my own world where happiness surrounds me and love isn't hard to find
I live in my own world, a peaceful place for you and me
I guess I live in a dream and waking up isn't often favored

so basically

im so fuckin sick of ppl getting on my ass for not being able to see them. talk to me like i don't wake up every morning and see my full calendar. I KNOW IM BUSY im the one that has to do all this damn work. im not bitching about the work im bitching about the people who bitch AT ME about the work i do. i like what i do going to school, kdchi, my job. well i actually hate my job but i love making money so it's all the same thing. but shit i'd rather be busy than sitting on my ass not doing anything being an unproductive nothing in society. with my involvement i feel i contribute and my efforts affect and matter. i could spend my fridays and saturday night partying and yes that is so wonderful but if i've had a long week, i wanna fucking sleep. im just sooooooo done with people trying to tell me what i should be doing with my days. or constantly reminding me how im not around anymore. guess what? SHIT CHANGES PEOPLE CHANGE I CHANGE SO SUCK IT UP OR CHUCK DEUCES. my sisters, i put them above a lot and i put my organization high on my priority list because I WANT TO. no one made me, my decision. I made a commitment and it's something that i may not always like but in the end it's what i love. an obsessive compulsive life i might live but shiiiett, the fuck you doin with your life? it's been building up for awhile and i just realized it now. i know i don't have the opportunity to see those id like all the time but i do my best. i can only spread myself so thin. i don't need to explain my plans or schedule to anyone. i seriously feel like im about to explode and chew out the next person who says 'aw H youre never around, i never see you when are u gonna make time for me, lets do this lets do that when are you free i dont understand youre always to busy its friday lets go out you don't have to do school fuck sleep, youre not really tired' hey guess what..........I KNOW THIS, MANN. you don't need to tell me where i haven't been cause ive been the one informing you that i wont be there. im not giving ppl excuses on why i don't go out anymore im just simply too tired to do so. like ya'll have no idea how bad some people try to make me feel for not being around its fucking retarded. like don't try to make me feel bad because on this school organization and work shit. respect the hustle, no??? i complain a lot about not having a life but when it all boils down to it im very happy and content with what im doing, just extremely tired and exhausted but aye it comes with the territory and im cool with that at the end of the day. im making the best out of my college experience the way i want to. so screw all of you who think it should be done a different way. straight the fuck up. so nearest and dearest friends i love you and im not around but if youre true youll be there when things clear up plain and simple, xmas break is only around the corner. all others who wanna bitch moan and groan move the fuck out the way and stop talking to me.



i do apologize for this outburst im just fed up. on the other hand, it's my blog so i can say whatever the fuck i want

HMA + MAH

my other half is leaving me thursday
never thought we'd part
i.love.you
forever

ive never been to south carolina.
hmm

Gingerbread Trails

Where did this year go, is it really about to be November? Hands up for all the love babies my dearest Scorpios and Sagittariuses =). We are truly special. I will have lived 20 years this year! That not even long huh? WEIRD. Though this year is kind of insignificant it's one more year till 21...enough said. Vegas.Mom.Dad.That's Gangsta

Don't you wish you could wake up one morning and know the answers to everything? Or at least the things in life that matter. I do but I don't, half the fun is finding out the answer and the bitch about it is exactly that. No one tells you that the decision you're making is possibly the dumbest thing ever or that you should have done this or that. Nah life was so kind enough to let us figure these things out on our own.

I went to the workshop for a Women's Expose in Gilbert last weekend for service (yaaay for early Saturday mornings) and it really left me thinking. The speaker was there talking about how in life we have paths and through these paths were continue onto a journey. In each path there are general obstacles, feats & triumphs, loss of direction and change of heart. She asked about our first "Aha moments" and what happened when the question of WHY became so profound occurred. The type of situation that demands attention and answers, maybe not right away but you suddenly have an powerful urge to explore and discover. I sat back thinking, "Am i too young to have ever had one because I'm almost 10000% positive I have". Looking back at my sisters I asked them, some had and some hadn't which basically confirmed that it's totally possible to be 19 and to have had a legitimate epiphany.

I'll never forget freezing my ass off in February driving home one night from Alysha's absolutely hysterical listening to "The Love Below" album sitting at a stoplight when i look up and there's this old boxy van with "DO WHAT YOU LOVE" written on the back of it. At that moment the song Vibrate came on and I bout had a damn heart attack. Every single thing made sense, it clicked, it was all in unison; my life, the future made sense and the past was irrelevant. i guess that's why it's only a slight moment of clarity because to me that only made things more complicated. I understood there was more to me then I had been exercising but what more could I do to make myself, my life, my surroundings more positive for MY well being. Continued self-improvement, elimination of bad vibes, and a healthy optimistic drive to move forward is all it took. Like all other things, easier said then done. It's like your stuck with all these different paths you can take not really thinking each one through about to just walk on whichever one you can see the light to then BAM you see that each path will have a different outcome which leads to become really REALLY unsure of your decision. I can't be alone in this, no? So where are you going? Where am i going? I am confident that the answer to this is a basic yet bold I DON'T KNOW. but I'm eager to find out. the path for me is unknown and will most likely remain that way until i decide to hop on one.


Thoroughly thinking things out is wise but at the same time it may hold you back from the fun, dangerous, exciting experiences you might miss out on if you decide to go the square way. I'm sure each way has its pros and cons. So in the midst of being lost in translation I choose no path. and yeah the answers would be nice to have but I'll take the long way, the long path to see where I end up. It's gotten me this far with a few cuts and bruises but nothing time can't heal.



PS. Random shoutout on this blog goes to Danniel Z. for being THE most hospitable knight in ATX! good green good vibes good music good FOOD good people-all day. mucho 87 <3 - Left my heart in Texas


Ex's and Oh's

Tell Me

What do you want? Really though, what makes you happy? Think about it


Ex's and Oh's

"They Sleep We Grind"

For the first time in awhile I'm able to just sit on my computer and listen to music and stumble/shop away with no distractions... only thing is, it's 5:13am on a Saturday morning. Do i still win? lol Turns out the one day I do nap i end up falling asleep for the entire night. Waking up at 12am isn't exactly what I'd like to call ideal. On the contrary though because I was up wide awake when i should have been sleeping i read and took a quiz which by the way i got a 6/5 on. There are two words to describe this kind of situation "DO WORK!!" =D needless to say I'm happy.. and yes still very much awake. For the last 5 hours i have cleaned my entire apartment, folded my clothes, filled out some paper work, beast a quiz, and lastly tried to go back to sleep. Don't you hate when that happens? you know you'll be wide awake for the rest of the night and still try to go back to sleep. Then when you actually need to be up is when you start to feel sleepy again, oh the irony. i even contemplated the gym for a good 10 minutes, eventually running and biking didn't come off as so appealing. I thought maybe a blog would help, and it hasn't im still here zombie like as of now. this is my last attempt at falling asleep for tonight if all else fails i'm going to take serious trip to wal mart for groceries and my sister will be the luckiest girl alive in the morning with a full stomach, i got 4 hours! wish me luck ---> night

ex's and oh's

All too personal ... duh

To the only person on this earth aside from my family who has and always will be there for me

you are truly heaven sent i will love you forever and you will always have a apart of me no one else in this world will. 4 years and you are still just as genuine, humble, honest, and understanding as the day i met you. We were meant to be together forever, i believe this and i know you do too. Our paths just crossed too soon, but we make do. you get me, you know me, no one can say that but you. Without you i would have hit rock bottom, multiple times. For this i thank you from the very very bottom of my heart. You'll never really know what you mean to me, and that's probably a good thing lol. We have seen each other grow in the past years and I'd say we didn't turn out too shabby. The distance between you and i sucks because i know our relationship/friendship could be much stronger than it is currently but i understand that we have our own lives and do our own thing. You'll always be there when i need you and even when i don't . You referred to me once as like gum, 'always there when you don't want it and never there when you need it' something like that i think i said it right? lol Let it be known now though, im here, always whether you like or not.. punk.

I wish i could write more.... my fingers are numb i can't channel the thoughts to the keyboard. But that's okay i don't need to say anymore, because you already know. Maybe next lifetime it will all work out the way we planned.

Got nothing but time

who is reading this when they know they should be reading something that might actually benefit them ater on in life? who is supposed to be working on the study guide you've known about for three weeks but instead decided to check this out? Better yet who is on the verge of a deadline and said "I have time dude, it's not even hard" and is using this blog as your distraction? Yes ladies and gentlemen school is officially in effect along with the accompanied

procrastination.

i am right there with you on all kinds of different levels. Because right now I'm at work with no boss on the clock, all my texts books in front of me, my phone away and I have still managed to put it off because 'I felt like writing'. GRRR it's funny though because in the back of my head i'm thinking everything will be cool since i have time tonight, tuesday, and wednesday.. right? pff famous last words before a 1 out of 6 quiz =/ so who is with me??? maybe if a group of procrastinators got together and tried to finish an assigment it might get done... WRONG you see i tried that last night and ended up walking to panda and skyping with my lil sister... who i live with, dont ask lol. Why can't we be the kind of people who ENJOY studying and ENJOY getting things done on time? i applaud those by the way who can focus for 4 hours straight and turn everything in before it's due to avoid a headache. Many others and I on the other hand weren't blessed with that sort of dedication. And it's not that we don't care about our academis, we are just easily distractied by everything around us. I personally would rather go kick it with some friends or sisters, cool dinner, chill movie whatever whatever instead of reading chapter 3-6 on a Friday night. besides there is always Saturday to read it since i don't work till 6. What sucks even more is when I am motivated to study BAM someone wants to do something so much more appealing than sitting in a quiet library.... and it's only right to enjoy the day with good company. Beside i don't class until 440 the next day so i have all afternoon. Do you see where I'm gettin at with this?

Being a procrastinator is very love/hate you get to enjoy the little things and pay for em later. Good thing is, no matter what I somehow (don't ask me how) but somehow I always get my things done and turned it. And THAT is the beauty of working under pressure. I think I just like the thrill of if I can get it done or not in a certain amount of time. That probably isn't the best way to go about it in college but last semster it worked for me better than ever. And on top of that I have my sisters who party in club hayden every night so it's pretty much a solid proof plan.. i hope? =)

so to all the people who would rather go out and have a good night, cook, watch a movie, do laundry, get your nails done, go to KFC, hit the club, check your facebook and twitter between "study breaks", or even go to work and make money instead of dealing with that stupid lockdown browser and oh so reliable blackboard...

IT'S ALL GOOD

It happens only to the best of us =) so I suppose I can go open this 'Statistical Imagination' book and attempt to get through chapter 5. On the other hand I have all tonght and tomorrow because I only have one class. ^_^ As long as it gets done on time and with good quality, that's all im worried about. I have some tylenol for the future headache anyways

Ex's n Oh's

it's like this and like that and uh

the epitome of true
the epitome of WHO
the epitome of you
... too bad that shit is all lies -Me

just a random thought that came to me today while driving home from sierra vista.

what to write about what to write about *scratching head* how about we start of with labor day weekend eh? just a little something to get the ball rolling lol

so Ive been out in Texas since last Thursday and got back on Wednesday. i bout damn near 'lost my mind and my cell phone in the same night'. so i go out to Austin with my sisters and knights for a little something called 87 weekend. now I'll be honest, my little fingers are having a spaz attack with all things i would like to write but like the saying goes "what happens in ____ stays in ____" and no, no one is coming back with herpes.. it wasn't quite THAT kind of trip if you catch my drift. there is really no more to say except for it got REAL and i had the time of my life. It was one of those you had to be there kind of deals most likely it wouldn't be very funny if i repeated it haha. but what i can say it that i am truly blessed and thankful for the people i have in my life! mucho xoxo 87 <3

oh and lets not forget about JJ... easily the most awesome person ive ever met east of arizona lol. Dude is gonna be famous one day spittin the way he does. and he's so much more fine than drake by the way. I had a blast the first night i was there walking around the apt aimlessly drunk jammin out and sweating my face off cause Houston just has that kind of weather =/

you know what this is gonna be a dedication blog (very spur of the moment) because i get ppl bitching about how i don't shout them out on here. I thought i was gonna make a huge point and stir up some controversy but this is what it has turned into. SO here is goes........

Kristian Miguel- well it's just Kristian, the only person on this earth besides G that i can sit in a Hastings parking lot for an estimated 4-6 hours just talking. I love him dearly and even though he is a shady bitch he still has a special place in my heart

Jose Ruiz- Grizzly man! why did i really think this fool moved to Argentina until the day he announced he was actually back in the United States. What a wonderful person he is.. and he'll eat you alive if you look at him crazy.. he just looks like that kind of dude. i could sit and talk about how cool we are for days but ill leave it at, Jose, you rock

Cece- my PIC! i will never go on another trip outside of Arizona without her for a few reasons 1) she is a great traveler, not complicated i don't wanna pull my hair out when with her for more than 2 days straight 2) this girl always knows what's going on before i even know about it to begin with, the party planner is what i like to call her 3) the ONLY other person i know who is as down as me... anyone who is trying to have a little captain in em at 10am is cool in my book ;) i simply love you boo

Sydney- my little sister who i'm living with for the next 11 months LORD pray for me for i might really lose my mind cohabiting with this one........ she drives me up the wall lol BUT i love her to death despite it all

Victoria, Naveed, Lawrence, and my Big- the most faithful readers that i know of. They are always the ones to comment/support what i have going on on here. yall kick ass and i love all four, dearly.. i appreciate all the good vibes you guys send my way!!!!


okay that's all i got. my next entry will have more juice, i promise i haven't died out in entertainment. but for now it's friday do waht you do best. about to get in my spaceship.. yeadig???

EX'S N OH'S

Limelight

no one likes subliminal messages, only if you know what the other person is saying and as long as it's not about you, right?

Hot Water

POW POW POW
shots fired... at me?
guess what?
i have a bullet proof vest on
.. and it works
Entertaining ignorance is simply not in my nature

It was all a Dream

I said it myself "I'm going to wake up tomorrow and not believe all this really happened"
Well, i was right. the morning sun caught my eye early and i turn to my left, empty
I knew it wasn't a dream though. To reassure myself i check my phone, look in the DVD player, see the dirty dishes..
It's all there right where i know i left them but something was missing
They were missing
Oddly enough I wasn't surprised it was like everything else in our lives with each other
Unsure, sporadic, and quick
It was more different than i had imagined though
I expected a massacre or the third world war
Instead it was quiet, almost pleasant to be in their presence
For being so complex it was all very simple probably as simplistic as simple can get
Exchange of words and laughs just like how it used to be
This beautiful and kind human being with a soul so mysterious
You could call them almost irresistible
What was different then - my 'emotions'
..There were none
Or at least none that i could correctly identify with
Love is crazy.. so they say
Or do you just allow yourself to act out in a crazy manner
The hell do i know
I am sure though, that i have not fallen
The ridiculous 'self empowerment' attitude and strong willed decisions
Well they have paid off
Stupid? probably
Crazy? what's new
Regressed? not entirely
Just another case of mind over matter

This Goes Out To You and You and You

You know who you aaaare... okay so I'm in my head jamming to superstar-Usher (high school classic) but this little piece is dedicated to YOU.. yea YOU. the bored yet intrigued individual on the other side of the screen reading this. Yesterday i got text from a dear friend asking me to change my background so they could read my stuff on their phone (which i did lol just for them). It hit me right then... people actually read this shit, my shit, my writings, my life. It was a pretty cool thought. Every now and they ill get something on facebook or someone randomly tell me "yeah i read your blog blah blah blah" in my head i could only think "SWEET".

So i guess what I'm trying to get at is that i appreciate you and all your feedback they ya'll give me. This thing is my outlet when I'm on the verge off breakdown all the way to when I'm happy and gotta let the world know about it. But anywho, I'm glad i can entertain and give you a good random read throughout the day. This is even for the ones who read just to pick and ridicule what i do and say... appreciate yall too, not really BUT you still click on the link and read so you're lowkey giving me promo too ;)

back to the basics:

Summer is slowly but surely winding down and i couldn't be happier. I spend an estimated 6 days a week at my job in front of this computer, you'd think I'd blog way more than i do. Stacking paper never felt so good with no strings attached im FEELIN it yadig? My baby came in the mail the other day, my mac book pro. I will name her too DONTJUDGE me i've been trapped in the pc world for too long i have finally found reality. i spend most nights to myself not even in my head just chillin enjoying my apt and trees <3
My most recent bump in the road is the future. i figure I've spent so much time trying to understand the past that i have missed out on the present and haven't even given thought to what might be ahead. So in my journey of embrace the now I'm left with the question of the future "the hell you gonna do" my answer: NOT A DAMN CLUE i have so many aspirations and things on my to do list that if i fulfilled all of them i might miss out on other things like relationship, steady job, home, kids?? (YIKES) but if i go that route i wont be able to do what i really want. See my dilemma? all in all i want it all, literally all. So does that make me selfish or a go-getter. Ahhh it's a never ending cycle. On the other hand I'm only 19 so what the fuck am i really even trippin on right? I have school paid for, a job, apartment, wonderful sisters, friends, and family. Why do i spend all this time trying to figure out what is already planned out for me. I think it's just that i don't like that thought of a set path. I want it to be my own path with my decisions/mistakes along the way. Ironically i like structure. hahaha it's a never ending story

my boss is looking at me all crazy so looks like my rants and raves have been cute short
ya'll are amazing! i love you dearly

ex's and oh's its friiiiiday

Freak Nature

i was stumbling (nothing new) took this short little assessment its SUPER WEIRD how accurate it was but i think it's healthy to know yourself and realize your strengths and flaws i mean there is no perfect being out there anyways mine as well know what you suck at lol
Here's what it said:


You have a need for other people to like and admire you, and yet you tend to be critical of yourself. While you have some personality weaknesses you are generally able to compensate for them. You have considerable unused capacity that you have not turned to your advantage. Disciplined and self-controlled on the outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure on the inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. You also pride yourself as an independent thinker; and do not accept others' statements without satisfactory proof. But you have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. At times you are extroverted, affable, and sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, and reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be rather unrealistic.


that's all happy monday my loves =) i hope you have a wonderful day

ex's and oh's

Will Remain Nameless

No title for this because as my fingers are hitting the keyboard i am still clueless about what im going to write about. I just know that i need to, thoughts and ideas emotions and feelings need to be expressed ASAP this is what i get for being over emotional lol ehhh oh well i make em proud. So a question I have been often asked this summer is, "Why did you cut your hair!?!?!" the easy answer i give them all is HELLOOO i live in phnx where it's easily like 200 degrees on a Tuesday afternoon. But for those who have been around and stay for the long haul know that my hair has always been a huge reflection of what's going on in the inside. Ill never forget spring of my sophomore year of high school probably Easter-ish i had this crazy curly beautiful (in my opinion) long hair.. then i found out my boyfriend at the time had been sleeping with my "best friend" before i knew i was in the bathroom with my sisters scissors chopping off my own hair. crazy girl type shit right?! lol NO i figure my hair shows that i had put time in growing it and growing myself. the length reflects the time which also reveals the memories and people i have had during this time. Looking at the mirror that day all i wanted to do was eliminate these people and i thought cut your hair and you are cutting them out of your life. it makes sense right?? well it's gonna have to because from there on out my hair symbol basically of what was going on inside. After that my hair grew and some thaaaangs happened so it was gone lol then i got to college had a boyfriend got into my sorority things were pretty awesome we broke up but it was nothing drastic (kind offff) finally got it to a satisfying length and BAM! that son of a bitch sam came into my life, loved my long hair. When we broke up half the reason was in spite of him because he liked it so much but i didn't care. Gradually spring approached and it as all down hill. needless to say now i have a boy hair cut totally cute but short! some may have gotten to this part and asked themselves... did she really just write a piece about her hair.. answer: YES I DID. so that's that my hair is short and i love it now despite the shitty things that happened for it to get this way.

**** thank you marriott for providing me with a computer to get through the day and paying me to blog.. basically. and shoutout to by big just because i love her!

ex's and oh's =D

Catch Up

So looks like i have started this trend of blogging hard for a month or so and then falling off of the face of the earth. if that isn't a sign of an up and down life/indecisiveness i don't know what is. I write when im going through shit, this kind of stuff is very therapeutic! But let me catch you up since LA.... ain't shit been happenin and that's a good thing. I'd rather be chillin with and uneventful life during summer then a hectic, stressful, and clutter-filled. so let me just trail off into some random nothing-ness for a bit


On your down time you tend to see a broader view of things you know? You see who is still there even when they don't need to be, What happens when there isn't a set schedule, and what really important when you are not obligated to anything or anyone. My summer has been a huge reflection of all of these things. Just like i expected the one's who say they'll be around have been ghost but surprisingly it's the one's who were always there but never THERE that are the one i have surrounded myself with. It's crazy how friendships can start and end. I guess my point of this is im so happy with the people i have in my life at this point. there is not one bad seed and im incredibly thankful for each and every one of them. they may not know it. and that's okay so if your reading t his chances are you give a fuck about what i have to say and for that i thank you. In the past months i held A LOT of grudges and had plenty of animosity towards sam lex and probably many other things. but i figured... if they wanna be fucked up people... let em be. Just don't keep em around me and ill be straight. i had heard it before, "if i let it affect me it will bring me lower and drive me crazy" HA funny thing about all that is it's SO MUCH easier said than done. so i can't say i have forgiven these individuals and what they have done to me but i have simply said FUCK EM and eliminate their existence from my clear view. I have my family friends and sisters. THEY are the people who keep me going. especially my mom and dad they have not the slightest clue what they mean to me. i mean im sure they have an idea but i could not for the life of me express to them my gratitude and appreciation for everything they do for me.... in retrospect i would be nothing without them.. ok now that i have shared my academy award speech. lemmi just say YA'LL ALL BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT. THAT'S WHY YOUR IN MY LIFE.



peace and love ladies and gentleman.

May Nights

i can't sleep twitter and facebook get old
even the stumble button is starting to bore me
i should be asleep my parents are gonna wanna kick it in the morning lol
i still have to move in my bed in the new apt! oh yeah that is starting to come together nicely
the summer has officially begun =)
Cali was nothing short of amazing turns out i suck in traffic
EFF you 101 110 and 10 too many 1's and 0's for me
i went entirely broke and will be paying off the trip with the next couple paychecks
lol im tryna go somewhere else this summer, east coast? maybe back to the south
cali is a givin!
okay this blog did the trick! im tired and about to pass out
just a short ramble



ex's and oh's

Part 2

he is i and we are us
has me tongue tied twisted in disguise
that's not me i mean us are we them or an impostor of love
we must be...not he nor i
the lustful measures we take ways cant be real
real in the sense of true
us as one is more that he plus i equaling we
these words can't scratch the surface of the we
instead they tell a lie i wish were absolute
she yearns for truth but still fully aware of the present
them could be us but he must allow her to his heart
he is i and we are us

More Stumbling

word

him and her

you have my mind-on some other shit
not my heart or emotions but my mind
provoking every concrete thought, moral, and belief i have
to the point of frustration i still am-fascinated
i want to know you-ideas and mission
i want to know your heart-love and passion
danger is what i see before me but what else would you except
a risk taker? why not
challenge me and i shall prevail
I-DARE-YOU
your bite not nearly as intimidating as your growl
slowly but surly growing fond of the idea "we"
though far fetched but still suggested
an idea it will stay at a standstill
meanwhile, you have my mind-on some other shit

N.Shan & H.Margaret join forces

this blog was suggested by Mr. Naveed Shan http://thingsihateandthingsthataredope.blogspot.com check it out it's hella dope. dope is such an awesome word he and i often use to describe each others thoughts. SO i was asked to do a featuring on things that are and aren't dope. notice the other part of his blog is 'things that i hate'. i am combining fabulous thoughts and brain power to create ...... "THE DOPE/HATE LIST" a little list of random acts and fuckery that are dope and others that i hate.

Dope: spending time with your mom on mother's day. i think this is an appropriate way to start off because of the occasion. it's awesome when you can kick back with mom dukes and let you know how much you appreciate her. i mean she did raise your badass right? so thumbs up to everyone that let their momma know that they care instead of just buy her something and overnighting it to her ( which wouldn't work anyways because mail doesn't come on Sundays.. good job asshole). quality vs. quantity

Hate: Tyra Banks. ive spoken about her a time or two but i really feel like trya has grown at the top of my shit list. im sorry but you can never compare to oprah in talk show hosting or in being a total badass. giving the audience a complete make over doesn't even come close to buying everyone a car. the thing that really gets me about her is that she has a story for EVERYTHING! maybe its just me but i don't feel she can relate to everybody, c'mon now she's freaking tyra banks. and if there is one more show that pumps out a top model i might jump off a cliff. unless my best friend alysha makes the cut this season then ill Tvo that shit every week! but honestly tyra is annoying, loud, too happy, with next to no humor. yet i still find myself watching her show whenever it comes on. well damn.

Dope: summer vacations are definitely on this list. it's a time when you can forget all the bullshit you have going on in your life and just get away. it's also a time where you can spend absurd amounts of money get drunk everyday and not have a care in the world. from the drive to the food friends and memories, taking short noticed summer vacas are fuggin dope. next week some sisters and i are going to la and yes we plan to do nothing. it's gonna be one of those 'wherever the wind takes us' kinds of trips. plus. what happens on vacas stays on vacas!
"except herpes that shit'll come back with you"

Hate: pedestrians. your probably thinking 'where the hell did that come from' but really sit and think about it. when you are on your way to something really important and your about to make that right on red what is standing in your way taking their happy ass time... a PEDESTRIAN. and it's always at the worst times in the world you know? if it's not the guy singing to himself with his ipod literally walking like a snail it's the chick on her cell phone probably whining to her best friend that her boyfriend left her. regardless... they are always in the way. not only that but pedestrians often have the mind set that they have the right away to EVERYTHING.. no little one i am driving a freaking CAR a machine that will snap you into two, imma need you to speed up. i can't wait till we advance in technology and can just all fly or teleport to where we need to be. eh until then i suppose i will have to be late to that meeting and yell back when they try to give me the stink eye.

Real VS. Rude

The definition of what's "real" is so hazy. stop and think to yourself, what's real?... not you or anyone else in this world. we are all flawed beings. some maybe being real that they speak their minds and express how they feel while others may see real as being brutally honest and speaking before thinking with no regard to others feelings. Now are they being real or just rude as fuck? i would like to argue this coined term "real" because i don't think many know what it is nor how to act in a "real" manner. let me not get ahead of myself, yes i have talked piles of shit behind others back and smiling in their face also have said things i didn't mean and have no acted in the most honest way, along with that don't for a second sit back and say you haven't because we are all guilty. but the difference between fake and i is that i realize that i know i am not a perfect being and will own up to what i have done/said with no issue. i may not say things to people's face at times but if they ask i shall tell. simple as that. Those who pride themselves on putting others down either behind their back on in their face are not real they just are mean people. for some talking shit really does make them feel better or hold themselves to a higher regard when they know the other individual will not say anything back. Like the ones who will go out of their way to hurt someone with words or action with spite. im talking about the ones who say they are "over the bullshit and immature things" but continuously talk about how there is bad things and people around them..... sounds like a personally problem you have let everyone know about and still haven't don't anything about. hm. so this makes that person not only rude as fuck, mean, but also an idiot for aired dirty laundry that will not be clean for awhile. this isn't geared towards anyone specifically but merely an observation. i suppose the definition of real can vary from one person to another. so MY definition of real is being yourself and not a chameleon depending on who you are around, it's knowing who you are and what you believe. honesty not mean and assertive not aggressive towards others. it's being aware of what you want need believe despite the influences around you. so what are you .. real or rude?? because there is a difference

Lots-O-Pronouns

so many eyes so may lies
through the highs and the lows, so many eyes so many lies
too many of you's not enough me's
cant you see there's only one of of you...wait who?
you is who like i am me
there is so many eyes telling so many lies
that you can no longer be true- to me and what we cant see through them
their lies hurtful yet affect me, no we, not you, nor him, or them
they'll lie and hide
where's my high to avoid the lows
when no one knows the truth from the lies and deceitful eyes you don't mind bcause we isn't us nor anything at all
i am we and they hurt me

i suck

now i usually would never say this about myself but right now, i suck haha
im supposed to be doing a paper that i have put off an entire semester and of course i have found my way to just write about how im NOT doing it. but honestly the topic is cultural diversity and the ageing family.. who is really trying to write a paper about that? not me. so im killing time until i get to go to senior goodbyes. my big is graduating the semester,im so proud of her . I feel that she exemplifies everything a woman should be. strong smart and doesn't take shit from anyone. its find of funny when i think about her because apparently in the beginning no one really knew where to put me and i ended up with her. little did anyone know we would clicked. like ClICKED. im so happy to call my big sis and she has helped me through alot this past year. on another nooote

the happy sunday to-do-list:

get this paper done

do senior goodbyes

cry a tsenior goodbyes

go to work by 5

maintain my sanity till 10

come back to my house, eat cereal

try to do this paper

and sleep after trying to do the paper

whether or not the paper gets done, there is PROOF that i had intentions on finishing it. for now though im going to find others things to distract me so i can put if off... and i still suck

xoxoxo

plane ride

didnt think you'd come through, the smallest gift is revealing more than you may want. a fallacy? maybe but l take my chances for you mystery is worth it risk. i hope, i think.
Prove me wrong for once he may show different and make me smile that smile that an only been seen in true expressions of admiration. small steps we must take the caution in my heart restrains me from spilling into our bubble. i hold back and wait like a snake preying on its next meal. but everything i do ill handle with care. take you as you do me let you in and share with you everything no one knows. Help me and guide me to were WE need to be. wrapped up and tied up with this new infatuation i slowly being blinded but somehow can still see clearly. all at the same time. i'd hate to say you different because for all i know our just the same in a different way. time will tell? is this serendipitous crossin meant to just another encounter. if only someone could give me an answer. but that's how is usually goes, unanswered upon fate. so fate im with you ill walk your road though you haven't led me in the est paths before i still have hope.... and for you, keep me close i won't go anywhere

Cudder Style

Kid Cudi is dopeness at it's finest. He's been around for a minute and as yet to get old to me. I can still jam Stoner Charm like it's the newest ish out. i don't feel like i need to speak much about him or hype him up because his music speaks for itself. his delivery is so different and unique. His style lyrics and sound is a nice breathe of fresh air.
"Man on The Moon"
They can't comprehend
They even come close to understanding him
I guess if I was born they would love me more
Guess if I was simple in the mind
Everything would be fine
Maybe if I was jerk to girls
Instead of being nice and speakin kind words
But then maybe it would be ok to say then
I wasn't a good guy to begin with

Randomness for the day. ive been jammin that song all day long

Happy Monday loves =)

Guilty Pleasures

Andre 3000: not only is he lyrically so incredibly talented he is oddly unique and one of a kind... not to mention so so SO fine





Adrian Brody: Speechless! Literally! the nose is the deal maker



SLIM THUG: My thug from around the way it's gotta be the fact that he reeks testosterone or maybe because he's from Texas either way slim thug=my boo




Fiona Apple: They say the grass is always greener on the other side.. and for this chick, i'd be willing to see how green lol






Gerard Butler: all i have to say is if YOU didn't fall in love after 300 your noggin is fuggged up!




Bob Marley: the music man. He is why i love dreds his music is soothing to the soul his words were empowering and he loved herb, you can't go wrong. peep that smile!! =D

Jay Hernandez: you are beautiful...crazy beautiful that is.

absence!

so ive been on this overly emotion t.i.p lately up until about 15 hours ago. i woke up this morning and thought to my self... FOR WHAT, FOR WHO?. i couldn't come up with an answer, no reason to be all mopey sad and pissed off. im off that along with everything else that causes me negative vibes.

so where have i been?! the past couple posts have been reflective of whats been going but where have i really been? UPDAAATES:

Work: Yesterday was the day when you realize you don't really like your job your just there for the money. ah for the love of money. The people there are so amazing i love them, but the management is uhhh.. sad. clientele is typical nothing new. Im not actively looking for a new job but the second something comes up im OWT. any job openings???

School: school is cool, and your cool if your in school. classes are there, neutral. im not gonna hit that 4.0 but im doing good enough. the only real motivation to continue to do well in school is KDCHI and the fact that i would probably shoot myself if i had to move back to sierra vista. I take personal growth and marriage classes where we talk about our feelings and ish which beats doing math problems and business courses. Some pointless environment class that i write most of my blogs in and a social work class, the professor (or lack there of ) is a nimrod. point is: im over this semester i wan the fall to come where i can be more involved blah blah

Summer: OMG! dear blog and readers im so fuggin excited for this summer. kicking it off with my ssiters and big going to LA for a few days to do... nothing. just kick it by the beach spend money and eat. i love the city i need to be there. i move into my new apartment which i have to myself for two whole months and i plan on taking like a month off of work to do nothing. for once in my life im not taking summer school and im gonna juice that shiet! i have absolutely no obligations to anyone or anything this summer. i do plan on going to new mexico for conference, maybe not for the conference part but to see sisters, holla! im going back to texas next week and again for the summer. Hitting us SA ATX and Houston varies reasons varies people. it will be live, yes.

Personal: that's a secret... of course i can let your mind wonder through my posts whats going on over here. i did get my tattoo fixed the other day it's officially doope and i love it! next piece: ankh on my right side then im gradually covering the whole back. whoo hooo! i can't wait to move, i think the next month or so is going to be very interesting fun and new. i miss my parents more than anything it's funny how when i was in high school i would find any way to get out of the house. While now all i want to do is go see them. My sister is going to be up here in August, she is growing up =) now THAT will be interesting, stay tuned lol

Love: Fuggit


that is all for now, i had a blog itch! i hope everyone had a fabulous weekend


ex's and oh's

I love the stumble button

F a u l t s

by Sara Teasdale


They came to tell your faults to me,
They named them over one by one;
I laughed aloud when they were done,
I knew them all so well before, —
Oh, they were blind, too blind to see
Your faults had made me love you more.

short and simple

to you who sees a girl and the first thing that comes to your mind is what might she look like naked. to you who sees a guy and thinks, hm i wonder if he has a girl because i will be all over that tonight. to the ones who think that sex is the ticket to a good relationship and to those who feel that giving yourself to someone so quickly precedes true feelings

you have been deprived of love

you have been deprived of intimacy between two lovers. pff you thought you liked sex before.. you call yourself good in bed, a fein.. but have you ever loved someone?? and im not referring to putting it down all night on lil shawty up in the 8th floor, im talking about admiring every inch of that persons body appreciating that what God has put before you indulging in the most natural liberating act that two beings could ever engage in with one another. have you ever felt so vulnerable by another being you have no choice but you confine into their ever need, want, and desire? no you haven't felt that before

you have been deprived of love

because you are too blinded by the physical appearance of things the get in and get out method is what you demonstrate. i bet you can give me a list of girls youve been with, maybe some dimes that could get you that extra 5 minutes of discussion with you and your boys but can you tell me out of those girls how man you truely cared about? none? deprivation! your dehydrated and you don't even know it, you need a big cup of love to quench your thirst because

you have been deprived of love

but watch one day when you are done running the block, it will get old. a cycle of emotionless sex and short term relationships will come to and end. you will find someone before you know it your are one hundred percent engulfed in this individual and when you finally do make love, your outlook on what you thought was pleasure will turned upside down. to be speechless and in an immobile state of euphoria is something that can only be experienced by deep connection and exchange of true passion. it will be that feeling when your at the peak of your roll the top of your high, a moment of clarity and nirvana. yes im talking about that kind of love. but one day, because im sure as your finishing up this blog, your also multitasking doing your make up for jason or tim to slide through.. go ahead who am i to judge anyone, right? but just know that these one night stands and lowkey creep nights will run dry. and your cup of love is waiting for you to drink, but for now

you have been deprived of love

what's your addiction?

Why everything that's supposed to bad make me feel so good?
Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would
Man I tried to stop man I tried the best I could
But (You make me smile)

What's your addiction? Is it money? Is it girls? Is it weed?
I've been afflicted by not one, not two, but all three
She's got the same thing, about me, but more, about us
She's coming over, so I guess, that means, I'm on drugs
Just let me peek now, I mean damn, I'm so curious
She's got a lover, so the lies, and the lust, is a rush
Time's of the essence, I need, you to be, spontaneous
Roll up the doge, henny and c-c-c-cola, then I'm co coming over
Cuz its ne-never over


Why everything that's supposed to bad make me feel so good
Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would
Man I tried to stop man I tried the best I could
But (You make me smile)

I see the emotion in your eyes, that you, try not to show
We get the closest when you high, or you drunk, or you blow
So I pour the potion, so we could both get high, as we could go
Then I'll get the lotion, and do something to me, when your thighs is exposed
There's no turning back now, I mean I don't mean to impose
Not now but right now, I need you to undress, and then pose
I'm into that now, catch a vibe, when the doors, get closed
Roll up the doge, henny and c-c-c-cola, and I keep co coming over
Cuz its ne-never over


Why everything that's supposed to bad make me feel so good
Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would
Man I tried to stop man I tried the best I could
But... (You Make Me Smile)

(You make me smile with my heart)

Why everything that's supposed to bad make me feel so good
Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would
Man I tried to stop man I tried the best I could
But... (You make me smile, With my heart)

I just wanted to ask you
Just wanted to um
Let how would I put this uhh
Let's say all your friends
Remember the one
You said if you ever she would be the one
Ok, Ok, Ok (You make me smile with my heart)
I was thinking, hypothetically
I mean don't take this seriously
Don't take me: I mean just
Uhh not credibly
I'm feeling incredibly
I mean let it be
Just let it be
I mean you, her and me (You make me smile with my heart)
I mean you, her and me
Maybe, Baby, Baby
You know I was just kidding
Unless you gon' do it

(You make me smile...)\

amazing song: addiction -Kanye West from Late Registration (via @LxXxm)

life list

after many failed attempts of diets quitting habits and preventing myself from doing what is fun to me. i have generated a life list. this list will be general rules i will do my best to achieve everyday and week in working towards a better life. im only 19 talkin like a 48 year old, why not start early right?

1) i will not go to bed mad angry sad or any other negative vibes. im convinced that it contributes to crazy dreams, and im not down with all that.
2) wake up with a smile and remember that it is another day of life i must embrace it and appreciate what i have
3)accept me for ME there have been so many internal battles of who i am what others see me as who i should be but i have had a bit of clarity and see that IM not changing anytime ever for anyone but me. i must love it, love me; mind body and soul. like my boy randall says 'love it or leave it'
4) no more fast food. you'd think 4 years back super size me would turn me to healthier eating but it's that time to just cut it out as a whole as hard as this will be i am really gonna try to fulfill this commitment
5) school---> your cool if your in school. from now on it's school then play ive been sticking to this pretty well this semester but i just have to make it official.
6) save money. i have a terrible habit of spending my money before i even get it. PAY OFF CREDIT CARD and this ridiculous phone bill. put some money aside for those 'whenever' moments
7) no guys. none zip nada im usually nice when i guy tries to talk to me but im letting it be known that shit is not flyin anymore. when it comes to a love life right now IM GOOD on that. a distraction isn't what i need want nor desire
8) me time. im going to find designated times of the week when i can just kick back and chill with me and music! lay out by the pool or something. There will be times when i just ghost doing some relfecting, i believe it's healthy for all
9) src- i bought a pass in the beginning of the semester to go to all these classes and have yet to step foot into a class. SO ello cycling and treadmills
10) no bitchassness in anyway shape or form will be demonstrated on my side. whether it be school work a situation i don't care. bitchassness never did anyone good.

and then she speaks

Paper and pen in hits.. SPLOTCH saying everything i never could would or will speak, a chamber of thoughts unlocked and unleashed with each stroke. so many can relate to this style of expression but the connection between me and this pen is liberating. many can do it much better than i, but this is my therapy. maybe one day when im gone someone will have their own story or or epic memoir of what i was or who i am only with many inaccurate dates names and places. not even the ones who knew me best will be able to speak on my behalf correctly. so shall i start from the beginning or work my way backwards from the present? Answer: whatever comes to my mind is what ill share for i have always been simply "random". Funny i use the word simply because i often feel im the farthest thing from that. i wish it was easy as one two three but ive come tot he conclusion it's alot more like trigonometry. it's the kind of person you see and the think after leaving how that hell did that happen as you walk away trying to come up with ridiculous answers that will make you feel a little bit better about yourself when you go to bed. It's all good though i ask myself the same question, quite often actually how did this happen? If only i had an answer hell i'll take an idea then i might be a little closer to simple. unfortunately though that's not the case, so i guess 'complex and random' is the pretentious title i take

untitled

when i got home for work today, i sat down with my p (my chi sister/roommate/D.A.B) and tried to figure out what i should blog about. we came up with a good 5 solid juicy topics, then i got to thinking that blogging really shouldn't be about a certain subject that you have to think long and hard about it should naturally flow from you to the computer screen. HENCE --->random blogs about random nothings<---

1) fine dining: just thinking about the definition makes me cringe. so what comes to your mind? fancy table cloths, $75 lobster, $100-$1000 bottles of wine, snooty rich pricks, and a beautiful atmosphere just to pick at the surface right? well im here to tell you that that is EXACTLY what it is like but with a little more money and perfume. this new job which i will not mention the name is basically the shit, i just stand there, smile, and show people to their tables. but the things i hear witness and do are sometimes a little over the top. maybe its just the humanitarian in me, but it's disgusting to see all this money go towards one night one meal for two whole freaking people when there are FAMILIES not even an area code away going to sleep with empty stomachs and living in or below the poverty line. and to see the food not even be eating makes me want to drop kick them in the knee caps.

2) deceiving apartments: when ana and i first saw this complex we fell in love, i mean the brochure was the bees knees. you know stuff like "24 hour fitness, on call security, great parking spots" ummm lie lie and LIE. Ive never seen the gates close here still after 7 months have to park in the back and the 'gym' is more like a treadmill and 10 lb weights. and talk about shady neighbors i mean is there any type of background check to live here? god knows what goes on above me, along with the strange flower loving couple below me. the security guy looks like i could wreck shop on him.. with my left hand along with he biiiaaatches in the front office. this place is a joke for 720 a month both of us expected a weeeee bit more. but hey they got us with he brochure... watch out for deceiving apartments or you'll get stuck in a 12 mo lease with and poorly insulated rooms that will run your srp to at least 120

3) the term i-miss-you: turns out that those words are just as meaningful as 'would you like frys with that.??' it's like played out term of endearment. i feel like you can say it to anyone that you haven't seen in a long time to make them feel special but when you really sit down and even half way think about it you realize that you don't miss them at all ....you just didn't have anything to say to them because you hadn't seen them in a long time. everyone says i miss you just like i love you. girls who've known each other for a whole 3 days will make best friends and be like ooomg i freaking love her... bitch no you don't! you don't even know her last name! i think i thought of this topic because i got a message on facebook today that said i miss you... now i know that this person not only has my number to text me but they have minutes on their phone to call me if they wanted to, along with knowing where i live..... now if this person REALLY missed me i think that they would make a little more effort than a lousy ass facebook message and the funny thing is, is that the message read "IMY"... you don't even fully miss me!! you abbreviated miss me, see that kind of shit doesn't even deserve a reply especially when you don't miss the person back yadigg???


my rants and raves are done for the night, i actually have something to do in the morning. oh bt dub it's spring break. whooo hoo new blog tomorrow goodnight loves!

ex's and oh's

Thursday March 11, 2010

This morning everything changed in my world, well more like came to a halt. its was that kind of feelings when you recap your entire life and all of it's major events in the matter or 8 seconds. that feeling of an empty stomach and thoughtless mind state. it was like you had the entire day/week planned out perfectly and all of a sudden you don't even know if you can get out of bed. it's one of those 'just when you thought things were okay' kind of situations.

but.. mamma didn't raise no bitch. so what am i gonna do??? get my ass out of bed get dressed and OWN these two mid terms get some starbucks and throw a smile on.. afterward is up for discussion i might just go hide in a hole the entire spring break lol
so what on earth happened that it has caused me such despair????
pff im not telling!



ex's and oh's =) have a fantastic spring break!!!

P.Diddy Tip

Woke up this morning feeling like a fuggin machine. It's monday, the day after sunday and the day before tuesday. MID TERMS THIS WEEK... one two three to be exact. school is rocking my world this semester and im diggin it! just one more week till spring break which i still don't have anything planned for. if things go accordingly im hittin cali with my sisters Danielle and Diana, lambda trouble in the big city =). Today is very special day! It's marcus hall's bday his 21st! Birthday Wishes to him. Updates: my sister (real sister) moves up here in the fall we found a place to live whoo hoo. pray for me, our personalities often clash but i feel like even that is an understatement. but im excited to close to her her fist year out of the house while she is getting used to semi adult hood. work---> the job in Scottsdale is pretty dope, ive never really gotten paid for not doing anything but there i really do... nothing. Just stand there smile and dress up which is pretty cool i get HELLA bored and i want to sucker punch some of the clientele when they get too live. People with money are something else but ill save that for another blog. but for now i have to get back to study guides power points and discussion boards have a beautiful and productive monday !! =)

ex's and oh's

Don't be a Sucker

i really don't want to be that blogger who is always bashing a man or talking up big shit to make myself feel better, i actually don't even want to blog about anything related to the male species anymore BUT for the sake of some of my readers in need, this is for you =) though this might not be exactly what you were looking for, i hope you can find some peace and harmony within it

Just to give you a blunt idea of where i stand in my life right now. My boyfriend who i was totally goo goo ga ga over recently left me for his ex.. got married and ish whole 9 yards all in the matter of like a month, maybe? so i would say that it is safe to say i am in no state to be that happy go lucky girl. Thankfully, In the past couple weeks i have had to opportunity to really reflect and accept and move the fuck on with things


I strongly urge everyone to do the same because you are only digging yourself a bigger and deeper emotionally filled hole that you are already in. yeah yeah easier said than done right? FACT: shit happens and we all go through it heartbreaks and douche bags are inevitable but the way we deal/move on from these kinds of things are up to US! favorite quote ive heard through everything is "Is he crying over you???.... no?? so why should you?"

Who really wants to be with a little ass kid that doesn't know what they are doing with their lives let alone in a relationship with you? No girls wants to be the one taking care of her man super lowkey and spending half their time justifying their "man's" misfortunes to everyone... there is a name for girls like us, coined by my friend lexx we are called FIXERS. We are the girls who will ride and die for the lowest of the lows because our hearts have grown so fond of these guys their 'love' out weighs anything and everything. Girls like us get so wrapped up in helping and trying to fix their problems that through time we get dragged right down with them. We care too much that's what it is. the dummys who put up with so much for so little in exchange. i used to talk so badly about that kind of girl, until i fell in the trap!!! aayyye don't talk shit unless you've done cause saying and doing are two completely different things, believe that. I say fuck you to the guys do nothing with their lives and take full advantage to the girl giving her all while you sit back participate half assed. It took two really shitty relationships for me to figure this one out but i thing i finally got the big picture. writing this im trying to find the fine line between a sucker for love and a flat out sucker. i believe that the difference between the two understand the when they are helping and when they are being used along with the ability to walk away from the situation when those lines are crossed and not look back. Love is blind, we all know this but when you can wake up one morning and say "im off that" your headed in the right direction. A sucker is one who knows they are in a shitty relationships and allows it to happen. When a steady pattern of shadiness persists and you do nothing about it. fill in the blanks however you like the, you get the idea.


ok so there is like 7 billion people in this world and 305 million in the US alone.. i strongly believe in the saying there is more fish in the sea..BIG ASS SEA WITH LOTS-O-FISH. with that, why would you let anyone, especially a guy get you all down and out, having you isolated in crib weekends at a time, sitting in you room all night listening to sappy love songs stuffing your face with hot cheetos crying (that's real life son). lets face it if he left you.. he did it for a reason baby girl and that's truth. And it might not because he moved on to better he probably just moved on to dumber. There's that and it could be because he doesn't have the mental capacity to love and understand it all, not saying woman are but were trying...right? And if he lied, it's probably because he is too coward to speak the truth and know you will leave him if you find out whats real... and if he cheated (God forbid) its not because you weren't giving him what he needed, he is proving to you that he is in no way physically or emotionally apt for a monogamous relationship which by the way is NOT what anyone (male or female) needs in their life DISCLAIMER: this does not apply to all men because there are definitely crazy beezys who need to be left and bring these kinds of disasters on themselves. but whatever the reason maybe, he is no longer there and that is the first thing you gotta accept

Moral of the story: Your better than ALL that..stay up, look forward, and move on